That old used to be

I know I have no business listing complaints, but there are a thousand things I wish were otherwise. I also know most of this has come about either directly or indirectly through my own inaction and cowardice. Time stopped for a long while. But when the wheel, creaking, began its slow turning once again, everything was already changed. I was going to be cautious, I wasn't going to make assumptions, but it's too late for that now. I'm drawing parallels I'd rather not see.

I wanted to avoid all the talk, but I'm enjoying it more than I suspected. The only problem is that there's nothing for me to say, which is more of an obstacle than it would seem. I am left complaining about hypothetical situations because I refuse to make them reality. However, I am much more calm about it than I had expected. I always seem to remain calm during catastrophes, but it's because I either don't know what to do, or don't fully grasp the gravity of the situation.

I know no wizards to leave clandestine markings on my freshly painted door. When I want an unexpected party to come knocking, I simply leave my door cracked open in the ridiculous hopes that it will magically lead the right person through it. And for the first time it did.

I am beginning to understand that sometimes there are more than just two opposing extremes. Other options have appeared, not quite in such contrast with each other. This time the stakes aren't so high and fluctuating between two or three states is hardly difficult; however, ultimately one will have to trump the others. I wonder if it won't be the one I fought against for so long, the one I grudgingly accepted only after rejecting its definition for my own. I'm still missing out on so many opportunities, each of which could tip the delicate balance any which way. I'm tempted to topple that tower just to see which way the cards fall.

'Cause I feel like I'm dying
From that old used to be

Thanks to Lyle, who loves everybody, for getting me through today.