Stuck
I went to KC this weekend to watch my brother at the Blue Springs marching invitational. We got 7th in our division (out of 10), and thus did not make finals. When the band marched onto the field, they seemed so small. It thought there used to be a lot more people.
I was told before I left the ville Friday night that I would be back in my room by Saturday evening. Well, it's past Saturday evening and I'm still in Kansas City, enjoying my hard-earned time on Grampa's computer. Five minutes before we left Columbia this morning I was informed that we would be staying here overnight. Great. I only brought down one clean pair of clothes, and I'm wearing them now. Good thing I brought all my dirty laundry too. The only problem is that now I have to actually go into my grandparents' basement to wash it. They have the scariest basement ever. There're ROUSes down there. But eventually it's going to have to be done.
I was thinking the other day (strange, I know). These past couple years have marked the beginning of that time in one's life that things traditionally start falling into place. But it doesn't seem to have been the case in my life. Some of my closest friends (one in particular) have finally stumbled upon a satisfactory self-definition and have begun settling into that and refining it until it is perfect. Perhaps satisfactory isn't so much the appropriate word as acceptable is. But I seem as far from that definition as can possibly be. This never really bothered me before. I figured I had all the time in the world. But it's starting to get to me now. The rest of my life is fast approaching, and I want to live it as something rather than nothing. My own self-definition has changed a lot over the past few years. Especially now, though not as much as I had expected or wanted. The problem is that it still seems to be changing. It seems my world is made of extremes that cannot be reconciled and all I want is a happy medium.
All I want is something I can't have. When I actually do get something I want, I rarely recognize it for what it is, and when I do it strikes me how painfully different the real world is from my idealized, Romanticized version of life.
I love this keyboard. Each keystroke is accompanied by the most satisfyingly loud and crisp click imaginable. It's very satisfying.
Because M*A*S*H is on, this post has taken me an hour to write so far. Each time I watch that show it gets more depressing.
Anyway, I've been distracted by the television for too long to get back on track. I guess the point is that I have two fears most prominent in my life right now: that I have no identity, and that I have no purpose in life.
And now it is time for me to go raid the requisite grandparent Disney collection. I think some Snow White is in order.
(In other news... I'm just being stupid. It's wishful thinking. "He" and "they" originally refered to a specific person and persons, but the more I think about it, the more it becomes relevant in another situation as well. It's just me wishing for change. And regretting it when it comes. Don't pay attention to me, I'm just tired and being weird.)
I was told before I left the ville Friday night that I would be back in my room by Saturday evening. Well, it's past Saturday evening and I'm still in Kansas City, enjoying my hard-earned time on Grampa's computer. Five minutes before we left Columbia this morning I was informed that we would be staying here overnight. Great. I only brought down one clean pair of clothes, and I'm wearing them now. Good thing I brought all my dirty laundry too. The only problem is that now I have to actually go into my grandparents' basement to wash it. They have the scariest basement ever. There're ROUSes down there. But eventually it's going to have to be done.
I was thinking the other day (strange, I know). These past couple years have marked the beginning of that time in one's life that things traditionally start falling into place. But it doesn't seem to have been the case in my life. Some of my closest friends (one in particular) have finally stumbled upon a satisfactory self-definition and have begun settling into that and refining it until it is perfect. Perhaps satisfactory isn't so much the appropriate word as acceptable is. But I seem as far from that definition as can possibly be. This never really bothered me before. I figured I had all the time in the world. But it's starting to get to me now. The rest of my life is fast approaching, and I want to live it as something rather than nothing. My own self-definition has changed a lot over the past few years. Especially now, though not as much as I had expected or wanted. The problem is that it still seems to be changing. It seems my world is made of extremes that cannot be reconciled and all I want is a happy medium.
All I want is something I can't have. When I actually do get something I want, I rarely recognize it for what it is, and when I do it strikes me how painfully different the real world is from my idealized, Romanticized version of life.
I love this keyboard. Each keystroke is accompanied by the most satisfyingly loud and crisp click imaginable. It's very satisfying.
Because M*A*S*H is on, this post has taken me an hour to write so far. Each time I watch that show it gets more depressing.
Anyway, I've been distracted by the television for too long to get back on track. I guess the point is that I have two fears most prominent in my life right now: that I have no identity, and that I have no purpose in life.
And now it is time for me to go raid the requisite grandparent Disney collection. I think some Snow White is in order.
(In other news... I'm just being stupid. It's wishful thinking. "He" and "they" originally refered to a specific person and persons, but the more I think about it, the more it becomes relevant in another situation as well. It's just me wishing for change. And regretting it when it comes. Don't pay attention to me, I'm just tired and being weird.)
posted by Emma at 10:22:00 PM
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