Suite: Judy Blue Eyes

I was always jealous when Van's "Brown Eyed Girl" came on and you sang along to it. I don't have brown eyes; I have no right to be singing that song. But, having gone on a Crosby Stills Nash & Young binge, I have discovered a song I can sing, even though my eyes are really more green than they are blue. Yes, that would be the song named above. The lyrics are oddly relevant right now, and I'd save you the trouble of looking them up by posting them here, but then that would cause me the trouble of looking them up, and as I have discussed numerous times before, I'm selfish (and therefore don't want to take the time to do that.) Anyway, it's not all of them. Just to the part where the song changes.

But perhaps this "opening up" thing was a bad idea. I tried, and look what happened. If it's going to happen at all, it needs to be in a face-to-face conversation. Anyway, sorry about yelling or screaming (or whatever it is you want to call it) last night. I was tired and I was beginning to wish we were talking on the phone so I could just hang up on you. I've never done that to anyone before, and I thought doing it, especially at a moment like that, would have felt overwhelmingly great, not to mention powerful. So that was my substitute for hanging up on you. I guess I just needed to do something empowering that would release all my stress, and that was it.

I realize now how provocative and annoying I was when I continually put down MU and said you didn't belong there and to look at Truman as a viable, alternate option. We both made our decisions, so why don't we respect each other's choices? We can both be happy with what we chose if we let ourselves.

Anyway, I feel this really doesn't have anything to do with Brandon, and I wish we could not focus on him so much right now. I'm also sorry that I avoided you all day, but I thought that arguing was so stupid that I didn't want to bother myself with it. Not that you weren't worth the trouble, or that our friendship wasn't worth the trouble (because it is), but that arguing wasn't worth the effort. I remember the very first argument I got in with my very first best friend. We had these giant concrete tubes on the playground, next to the merry-go-round (alas, none of that is there anymore; they were victims of over-protective, paranoid school boards.) I was sitting in one of them once and she was sitting on top, talking to me. For some reason, she left momentarily, and Sydney (who used to be pretty close to her) told me I should pretend to be mad at her, for no reason at all. I realized shortly after that she was probably just trying to make us hate each other so she could reclaim her status as best friend, but at the moment I went along with what she said, because I wanted to be friends with her, too. Little children are so cruel (the children, the little ones, they talk with the devil's tongue....) But I did like she said and an enormous argument erupted over it. Even in the second grade she was mature for her age. She always wanted to be an adult before she had to. I guess she has to now. I know there must have been numerous other fights along the way, but for some reason that's the only one I can remember. A stupid fight about absolutely nothing, started by the jealousy of a third party. I saw Isaac at a performance of The Nutcracker a couple years ago, wandering around in the basement of Jesse. He said Sydney was one of the Sugar Plum Fairy's dancing ballerinas. I couldn't pick her out; I didn't remember her well enough to tell one ballerina's face from another. I hadn't seen her in five or so years anyway. But I still remember that argument.

I don't remember where I was going with this anymore....