Keeping time, time, time

Time, time, time
See what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please

It's beginning to turn a hazy shade of winter outside.

I have massive amounts of homework to do, but no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot concentrate on it.

I feel like I'm short on time. Odd thing is I have all the time in the world. It feels as if I can never go "home" home again because if I do there's so many important things I'll be missing out on here. And by being here I'm missing so many things there. But at this moment what's here is more important. And I'm still missing so much of what's here.

I didn't want to go to college. But now I see what's so great about universities. It's just what I scoffed at. But it's also just what I was looking for, and those two things are different, separate, so don't even begin to think they're one and the same. I'm glad I came, for all the knowledge that's here. But I wish I could just have one-on-one discussions with some of the professors, instead of receiving grades for completing certain busy work. I could learn so much if I really wanted to but instead I just dread having to drag myself out of bed each morning to trek across campus. The things I could be learning are too important to be hidden in classwork and distorted by people who are only there for their LSP credits. I need to declare a major.

I learned today something that made me respect one of my professors much more. And the funny thing is that had I learned it a mere hour earlier I would have laughed because it would have only served to reinforce my ideas about his off-kilterness, his vain search for something that didn't exist, his disillusionment. It only goes to show my pendulum has once again begun to swing back in another direction. Toward another extreme, or will it settle in the middle this time? Everything is shifting extremes right now, everything. From self-restraint to letting go, from yin to yang, from skepticism to total belief, from the philosophy of one major influence to the philosophy of another. It all seems contradictory.

I'm tired of the old clichés and stereotypes. I'm tired of complaining about the same old things because I still haven't matured enough or evolved enough or experienced, learned, or transcended enough to overcome those obstacles. But things are beginning to balance themselves out. It seems like things are beginning to be made clearer and I am at least moving away from one extreme (one extreme whose potential I never even neared realizing). Who knows if I am moving back to the middle or if that motion will continue to the other extreme. It's not an unfamiliar one, it was my initial location before I began the journey to the destination where I find myself now.

I see an opportunity, but will I take it? Will I risk diving in so deep? I fear this is something so plain and common, but I want it to be so much more. I thought I had gone through this already. I thought I'd passed this phase several times, why am I still here?

This situation calls for one of those talks, one of those talks that lasts hours and goes deep and rips off the protective coverings you place over yourself. Those coverings were only meant to block yourself. This situation calls for affirmations and consolations and bold encouragements of things that will never come to be.

This situation calls for one of those conversations in which the other end tells you all the things you need to do for a happy life - the very secret to a fulfilled existence - and you just sit there, energetically excited, yet limp because you know that this is the seventh, eighth, ninth time you've heard this same formula and yet you don't have the fucking balls to put it into motion and secure the desired outcome.

It kills me that I don't have the fucking balls.